Shortlist | Poetry

‘Not Anymore’

Trishla Pal, a student of B. Tech at Galgotia’s University, Noida, wrote a poem titled ‘Not Anymore’ for the ATKT.in Shortlist.

Not Anymore

Sitting in the dark room.
Soaked with fear.
Panting.
Trying to cover my soul with
Some rags of my trampled aplomb.
Looking for a prop to stand up
But able to find none.
Feeling like
I can’t feel anything.
Finding hard to
Keep my eyes open.
Fixing the turmoil of my heart
By filling that silent dark room
With my inaudible screams.
Eyes filled with tears
Still not crying.
Hardening my legs to
Bear my weight but
Failing again and again.
Unwilling to bid adieu to my consciousness
But incapable of keeping it constant.

Hoping.
Not for a beam of light from that broken window pane
But for no scintillation forever.
Hoping.
Not for a hand, to help
But no one to rescue.
Hoping.
Not for a fresh breeze of air
But for no air at all in this hazy room.
Hoping.
Not for any acceptance
But for hatred
And sympathy in my own eyes.
Hoping.
Not for finding myself
But losing the others too.
Hoping.
Not to be happy ever again.
But for burying myself
Beneath the soil of my own guilt.
Hoping.
Not for remitting you ever
But of remembering how you torn me apart into pieces.
Always.
Hoping.
Neither for a new life
Nor for a grave.
But for being in this state of agony
For the rest of the years.

Sitting in that dark room.
Soaked with fear.
Now, I know,
I don’t love myself.
Not anymore.

Listen to this ghazal by College of Engineering, Gwalior student Gagan Mudgal here.

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By the ATKT.in Editorial Team.